In light of Carlos Zambrano and Michael Barrett throwing down yesterday, as well as the Levi Jones and Joey Porter bout staged earlier this spring, I began to think: If I could pick, which guys in all of sports would I want to see go at eachother? Now this is not a question of whether or not the fight would be competitive. Nope, this is purely based on entertainment value alone. So here goes my favorite ten matchups:
Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb:
The Buildup: You always got the feeling that there was some unfinished business between these two guys. Like two little girls competing for the Junior Miss Pumpkin Festival title, McNabb and TO seemed to be constantly insulting and backbiting one another. Put the two of them in a ring together? Now tell me you wouldn't pay to see that one on Pay-Per-View.
The Pick: This is an easy one. McNabb would destroy TO. Forget TO's super ripped muscles: Donovan just has that mean streak to him which the little softy TO just doesn't have.
Amare Stoudemire and Shawn Marion:
The Buildup: This one is simple: Winner gets to stay on the team. With the Suns on the brink of luxury tax oblivion, it is growing increasingly obvious that one of these two stars is going to have to leave. So what better way to decide than a good old fashioned fight?
The Pick: Marion. I don't think people understand the depth of the rage welling up inside of Marion. I mean, for goodness sake, the man is an All Star, a middle class man's KG, and they haven't run a single play for him in THREE YEARS. Wouldn't you be a little angry? Marion would come out like a house of fire and knock Stoudemire and his surgically repaired knee all the way from Phoenix to Charlotte.
Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriquez:
The Buildup: Put aside the fact that they are both Yankees. Put aside the fact that they are both grossly overpaid. The appeal of this matchup can be simply explained by a qoute from Ed Norton in Fight Club: "I felt like destroying something beautiful."
The Pick: Now, it is difficult to prognosticate as to who would win between two of the biggest wusses in sports. But since we saw A-Rod's fighting skills manifested a few years back in the purse slap incident, it is safe to say that Jeter must be better off. Right?
Brett Favre and any other human being:
The Buildup: Brett Favre is THE Man. Seriously. He is the closest thing that America has to a real life superhero. Just imagine him in a fight, he would go crazy on somebody, just tear them limb from limb, no matter who the opponent was. Thinking about Favre's style in a fight brings to mind a quote from Talladega Nights: "I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!"
The Pick: Please, give me a serious question.
Darko Milicic and Joe Dumars:
The Buildup: It really isn't Darko's fault that he is sports biggest walking punchline. It's Joe Dumars fault. If Dumars had not made the worst pick in NBA Draft history since the Blazers took Sam Bowie, not only might Darko have been able to play in his first two seasons instead of riding the pine, Detroit would have Carmelo Anthony or Dwayne Wade right now to go against LeBron. And Milicic would have been able to quietly go about being mediocre like most late lottery picks.
The Pick: Milicic would have the youth and size, but come on, Joe Dumars would destroy him. He was a Bad Boy and Darko is closer to a Backstreet Boy: nuff said.
Ken Griffey Jr. and Grant Hill:
The Buildup: This one is simple. People like to see knockouts, and putting the two biggest Glass Joes in all of sports into a fight would make for a certain one punch destruction.
The Pick: A draw, since the force of the punch that would win the fight would likely also smash the body of the winner into a million pieces.
Peyton Manning and Eli Manning:
The Buildup: Again, look me in the eye and tell me you would not pay to see this. Sibling rivalry is always fun. Sibling rivalry when one of the siblings is a snivelling little snot: even better.
The Pick: Now, you would be tempted to pick Peyton here, but...the winner of this match would have to be Cooper Manning. Like a WWE main event, Cooper would swoop in from the rafters and let out years of jealousy upon his two quarterback brothers, leaving both the audience and the combatants stunned.
Barry Bonds and Hank Aaron:
The Buildup: C'mon, do I even have to explain this? Aaron thinks Bonds is stealing his most prized possession. Bonds is one of the meanest people on history. Of course they would fight.
The Pick: Aaron. For all of his bulk, Barry would barely be able to move, and the wily and crafty Aaron would easily take him down David and Goliath style.
Kevin Garnett and Kevin McHale:
The Buildup: Think of this as the Milicic/Dumars fight....on drugs. Seriously, there is no man in all of pro sports that has more reason to hate another man than Garnett has to hate McHale. Garnett is pretty well aware that he has been the greatest singular talent in the NBA for the past ten years, and the only thing that has prevented him from turning into a modern day combination of Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlin is the stunning ineptitude of one man. Kevin McHale.
The Pick: There really wouldn't be a winner, since if Garnett were ever to unleash his inner fury not only would we no longer have Kevin McHale around, we would also see Garnett going to jail for life.
Wladimir and Vitali Klitschko:
The Buildup: Plain and simple, this is the only fight that can save the sport of boxing. If this does not happen the entire sport should just pick up and move to Europe, because we are about done with it here in the states. This fight would not only match up two skilled fighters, it would also have the carnival aspect of two brothers going at it. What's not to love?
The Pick: Wladimir. Sadly, if this fight had happened about 4 years ago it would have been perfect. As of right now, Vitali is just too old.
Other fights you'd like to see? Leave em in the comments.
